when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
