happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize