I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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