where am i from again
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize