Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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