I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
