life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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