nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
