Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
