There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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