I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
