I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
