Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
