Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
