Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
