are you still at the devil's house?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize