I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
