im drinking this country out of the recession.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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