I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
