So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
