She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
