i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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