Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
