Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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