At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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