I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
