Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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