he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
