New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
