she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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