Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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