dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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