I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It was confusing and full of hummus
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
