alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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