my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
