I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
