Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
FUCK WHALES
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
