After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
