We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
