did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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