proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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