Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
