I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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