The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
