Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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