I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
