a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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