Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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