I faked an abortion last night.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize