She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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