I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
