if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
