i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
