Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
