i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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