This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
