I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
