You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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