Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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