i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
