Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm always down for nudity.
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