Jerry, you need to find god
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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