I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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