GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
