i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
