this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
