did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
