Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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