So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
