you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
