Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
