Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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